


Hiding the Remnants of a Broken You

by adjovi



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:19:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18414233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adjovi/pseuds/adjovi
Summary: Alice POV when Quentin finally cracks.For @quellthefire--Happy Birthday, love!Title from this quote: “Does it scare you to break inside or are you hiding the remnants of a broken you?”  ― Adhish Mazumder





	Hiding the Remnants of a Broken You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [quellthefire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quellthefire/gifts).



“Like I helped it wake up and remember what it was before.” Quentin was regarding her steadily, sedately. Alice felt a tiny bubble of hope rise up in her chest that she dared not to hold on to, fragile as it was. Still, she couldn’t help the tiny smile when he finally let his gaze slip away.

They'd been happy, once. She had forgotten what that had been like. How carefree and unabashed Quentin had been; how she allowed that, welcomed it, even. She had left that behind.

Penny blipping into the room shocked them both. “I hope you got your shit, Coldwater, because we have a _big_ problem.”

“I got it.” He held up the spell for Penny to see. “What happened now?” Quentin sounded so defeated; impossibly _older_ than his first-year self.

“Tell you at the apartment. Let’s go.” Without another word, Penny grabbed them both by the shoulders and traveled them back to New York.

And, yeah. Shit was even worse. The Monster now had Julia, intent on using her body as a vessel for his sister. She watched Quentin’s face as the news hit him--folding onto himself, remaining upright by a deathgrip on the counter. Margo was closer, sitting on one of the kitchen stools. She ran her hand in soothing circles across his back. After a long moment where everyone just absorbed the news, Quentin finally broke the silence, letting out an ironic laugh. “Well, fuck.”

Margo ducked to look him in the eyes. “Hey. We’ll get them back. _Both_ of them.”

He shook his head. “Sure. Since we’ve made _so_ much progress. We don’t even know if your axes will work--”

Margo snapped at him. “Look, Coldwater. I need you to get your fucking head in the game, or--”

Quentin took a step back, eyes wide and dangerous. “Get in the game? Get in the fucking game? I have been dragged around by this _Thing_ who's wearing Eliot’s face for how _goddamn_ long, just hoping and _praying_ that if I go along with this shit long enough, then maybe--” His voice broke, and he took a deep breath, eyes trained on the floor. He continued in just a whisper. “Then, maybe.”

Margo was always one to lean into anger, when sometimes even _Alice_ knew it would be better to be kind. Couldn’t she see how broken Quentin was? How he was barely holding on? Probably not, blinded by her own grief over losing Eliot.

Alice also knew a little something about using anger to mask something else.

“Do you think. For even one _second_ since finding out he was still alive. That I'm not trying, _trying_ to figure out a way to save him? That I gave up my _kingdom_ to traipse through the desert, tripping on a fucking _lizard,_ to try and get him back?” Now, Margo was the dangerous one, eyes glinting and wild. “I can’t let myself wallow in my fucking feelings, Coldwater, because if I do--”

Kady had walked in mid-argument, settling against the fridge to watch. She cut in. “Jesus Christ, can we focus? You guys can fight over who had a “no good, very bad day” later.” She sighed, shaking her head. “Maybe, if we can find Julia first--”

“We tried. Fucker has some kind of cloaking spell on him.” Penny sighed, wiping his hand tiredly over his face.

“How much ambient is left?” Alice shifted, uneasy with all of the attention focused suddenly on her. “There was a spell, when I was a niffin. I uh--could figure out which cloaking spell was being used and then figure out how to find--someone.” She wasn’t about to divulge this was how she tracked down the last creatures of a species, just so she could watch them die.

Penny held up the device that measured how much ambient magic was left for the day. It was enough.

She nodded, glad to feel useful. She jotted down a list of ingredients she needed for the spell, and Penny quickly blipped out to retrieve them. Margo went off to the apartment’s library to see if she could find anything else on her ice axes, and Kady made some vague comments about meeting up with some Hedges. Leaving her and Quentin alone in the kitchen.

Quentin sighed, deflated. He ran his hand through his hair, gazing over at Alice. “Do you think it will work?”

She gave him a quick smile. “It should. It doesn’t require a lot of magic, actually. It’s quite simple, once you get the Circumstances correct. That’s the tricky part. Luckily, I already know them, so.”

He just nodded, looking down. He closed his eyes. “It’s like for even one tiny step forward, we end up taking fourteen steps back.”

“We’ll find a way, Q.”

“Will we?” And he looked so fucking _broken_ ; eyes bottomless wells of despair. In that moment, she wanted to provide him just the tiniest bit of _hope_. That maybe there could be something good to come once they were on the other side of all this endless bullshit. She stepped towards him, heart thumping in her chest, and pulled him into a kiss. He let her lips brush against his for a brief moment before freezing, turning his face and stepping away. “What--what are you doing?”

Alice just stared; feeling her face heating. She licked at her lower lip. “I just--.” He was stepping back away from her further; widening the galaxy between them. “I’m sorry. I thought--”

He closed his eyes, and when he spoke, his voice was low. “I can’t do this.”

“I didn’t mean--. Look. I know shit is fucked up between us, that you're still angry with me. But maybe--somehow. We could _remember_ what it was like before. That it could be good, again. Something worth fighting for.”

He looked absolutely gutted. “Alice. I _can’t_ give you what you want. That--that doesn’t belong to you. Not anymore.”

And, the penny dropped. She could've sworn it pinged right off the marble floor. She had overheard him in Brakebills’ library; how he would stop at nothing to get Eliot back. She hadn’t wanted to examine what that actually meant at the time. “Oh, fuck.” She couldn’t help herself. Her hand flew to her mouth. “I’m such an idiot.” He wouldn’t look at her; she could almost feel his pain. “How long?” She took in a deep, shaky breath. “How long have you been in love with him?”

He didn’t answer for what seemed like a long time, and she began to think he would protest what she said. _Hoped._ But then-- “It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

She opened her mouth several times, trying to find words adequate to address the man she loved; had never stopped loving. Who just admitted that he had, in fact. Stopped. That his heart belonged to someone else now.

“I--sorry.” He threw his head back. “Fuck.” He seemed to be struggling for words now. “It doesn’t even fucking _matter_!” He had barely been holding on for gods knew how long; coiled anger simmering at the surface. For months, she now realized, he had been dragging around a literal shell, hard and brittle. But, the dam was finally breaking. His eyes were shining and he pulled his arms tightly around himself. “I’m going to lose him, and _fuck_. I’m going to lose Julia. And Jesus Christ, Alice, I just--don’t know how to even fathom what the world looks like--”

Watching him crack down the center shook her entire world. “Q.” She tried to keep her voice gentle, stepping towards him before thinking the better of it. “We’re going to do everything we can to get them back. We _are_ doing everything--”

“What if it’s not enough? What if we _fail_? I can’t lose--” He huffed a sigh. “Not after _every_ thing. I just--” He bowed his head. “Sorry, I. Sorry. You're the last person--”

Margo came back into the room then, literally swinging axes. Alice saw Quentin hurriedly swipe his hand over his eyes, turning his back towards her. Realization hit Alice like a tidal wave. _Margo_ didn’t know. _No one_ did. Quentin had been carrying around this impossible burden, this entire universe of _pain_ , all on his own. The whole time. Margo eyed Alice suspiciously. “What’d you do?”

Quentin sniffed, then turned back towards them, his features schooled and stoic. “Nothing.” At Margo’s incredulous glare, he shook his head. “Really.” He nodded at the book Margo was holding. “You find something?”

Margo smirked. Alice felt an irrational spike of anger, that Margo couldn’t _see_ it. How closed off he was; dead behind the eyes. “Well, turns out I am way more of a badass than I already knew.” She hefted the swords. “These babies? Are some of the rarest weapons in the entire multiverse.”

A brief flash of fury crossed Quentin’s face, his mouth doing that dimpling thing. “That’s--great. Any indication if they’ll actually work?”

Margo’s face fell a little. And even though Alice wasn’t feeling especially charitable at the moment, she could tell Margo’s hard, glossy armor was actually a pretty thin fucking veneer. “That’s--still a work in progress.”

Quentin just nodded, mutely accepting defeat yet again.

Alice wanted to scream in Margo’s face, just get her to _look_. To _understand_. Knew that would solve nothing; would just bring more anger where it wasn’t needed. She also recognized that pain wore many different faces.

She was reminded of a line from a book she once read: _Have you ever loved someone so much that even when they chip pieces away from you, you still try to give them what’s left._ She realized now what she needed to do for Quentin. For her _friend_. She needed to help him get his _people_ back. She sniffed, turning towards Margo. “I can help you research.” She indicated her head back towards the library. Quentin gave her a tight smile as she directed Margo away.

Turned out, there _was_ one last thing she could give.

Alice heard his muffled sob into the empty kitchen just as the door snicked closed behind her.

**Author's Note:**

> The book Alice quotes is from _Give It Back_ by Danielle Esplin
> 
> I know this will most likely be busted by canon by tomorrow's episode, but has been on my mind since last week.
> 
> Kudos and comments are love!


End file.
